I don't think the Tribune would run this

Personal Ad:

Large white man, humorous, caring, hopeless romantic, into theater, reading, and old comedies seeks funny, bright young lady with a warm smile and a brutal wit.

Failing that, he'll take a shameless, wanton harlot.

AAAAaaaaAAAaaaRRRgghhh!!!!

I have discovered the maxim of modern dating:

Bright, attractive, available, mentally stable -

You can only pick three.

If you're lucky.

I'm going to write a God Damn book

Attention Women:  I officially know what the hell I'm talking about.

Now, I realize this is a very bold statement, but read on.

A lovely young lady in I.S. at work has adopted me as an official apologist for the male gender (i.e., "Josh, why are boys so dumb and creepy?" "It's just how we are.  I'm sorry.  Would you like a few miniature chocolate bars?")  I'm fully ok with that, but there are times where it grows frustrating, namely when my advice is asked for and then cheerfully ignored.  Again, I'm fully ok with this, mostly because this is exactly what happens when any woman asks my advice and I foolishly provide it.  However, I now have proof.
I stop by to say hello this morning, and she drags me into her cubicle, waves of anxiety plain on her face.  As it turns out, she was worried about a man that she has known for a couple of weeks that she's going out with tomorrow.  This fellow was a hansome, charming young lawyer who had, just about every day for the past week, been sending her long e-mails full of interesting emoticons, and speaking to her every night, the two of them sharing involved conversations for, on occasion, hours.  The following is an exact quote:

"Josh, he didn't call me last night."

"O...k.  Well, did he have any reason to think you might be busy?"

"I was studying all last night."

"Ok, good!  Now, is there any way we might have knew that?"

"Oh, I told him that."

"..."

"But we've been trading calls every night!  Why wouldn't he have called?  It was his turn!"

"...because...he thought you'd be studying?"

She was also concerned about his morning E-mail, which was four lines long, and had no smileys.  She proceeded to ignore the calm and soothing things I was saying, and began to view panic as an acceptable option.  "Is he being distant on purpose?  Is he not into me?  Is he regretting agreeing to the date?  Is he saying I'm fat?"  (Ok, I made up the last one...but don't you ladies lie to me.  I know she was thinking it.)

I sighed, took a deep breath and told her not to panic.  "Calm down.  Listen to me.  First, he probably didn't call you last night because he knew you'd be studying and didn't want to disturb you.  Second, he probably didn't send you the e-mail version of 'War & Peace' because he sent the letter at (Josh checks timestamp) 9am and he was probably busy with all sorts of beginning-of-the-day stuff.  Lastly, he's really looking forward to your date tomorrow night.  He's probably just trying to plan a really great date, where he no doubt intends to treat you like the Pretty Pony Princess that he assuredly believes you to be."  (Pretty Pony Princess, or P³, was a spur of the moment thing.  Don't judge me.)

Needless to say, she was not reassured, and I decided to let her be, hopefully giving my advice time to sink in.

Half an hour later, she calls me and tells me that the gentleman just sent her an e-mail, in which he tells her:

a) He did not call her last night because he knows their conversations tend to go on, and he didn't want to distract her. (That's one!)

b) He was sorry about the meager e-mail this morning, but he'd just gotten into work and he was very busy.  (Two out of three!  Could Josh go all the way?)

c) He was really looking forward to their date tomorrow night.  (The Trifecta!  Victory is mine!)

But wait!  The secret bonus round!

d) He unfortunately kept the e-mail short, since he had to research and study a great deal about Horse and Equine Law.  (P³!  I even win the BONUS question!)


Let this be a lesson to you all.