A Public Service Announcement

All right, ladies...because you need to know.

I'd like to take a moment to clear something up.  Many ladies of my acquaintance have remarked that their boyfriends/fiances/husbands/male friends just don't listen to them.  While this is occasionally caused by said ladies making poor choices in regard to the men they choose to date, it is, more often than not, caused by the women simply choosing the wrong time to hold a conversation.

To that end, I have compiled a list of the five times that you cannot speak with a man and expect any kind of meaningful content.  You also cannot expect him to remember the conversation or be held accountable to anything he agrees to when the conversation is brought up later.  (e.g., "You said we'd go antiquing today!" "Hmmm...yeah, that doesn't really sound like me.")  Some of you might say, "Wait, Josh!  I talk with guys all the time when they're doing these things, and they seem to have no problem talking!"  Talking?  Sure.  Talking's easy.  The mouth is moving and sound is coming out, but whether or not any significant part of his brain is assisting is another story (If you follow 'Starship Josh,' you want to make sure you're not talking to Id, or that's he's not on autopilot.)  A man in any of the following states will have his mind on other things and be unable to honestly contribute to the conversation.

He Cannot Converse When He:

1.) Is Hungry or is Eating - This a primal drive, here.  As the English writer George Eliot said, "No man can be wise on an empty stomach."  Even Einstein said, "An empty stomach is not a good political advisor."  He may be listening, but his full mental resources are being devoted to ensuring his continued survival, and not what Jane and Grace said to you during the meeting.

2.) Is watching TV or playing a video game - Even a test pattern or paused scene is dangerous, because men are mostly visual and the tv is a shiny source of bright light and colors.  If you want him to pay attention to you and not Evangeline Lily, have him turn it off.  However, if he can't pause live TV, it's at a good part, or he's on a winning streak, be prepared to have only his negative attention when you speak to him.

3.) Is Tired, Just Woke Up, or (in the case of what should be obvious) Sleeping - We once again get back to biology.  If he's about to go to bed, he will agree to call himself Sally-May and braid flowers into his hair if that's what it will take to get to bed without resistance, hassle, or aggravation.  When he's just awoken, he's probably not even sure what's being said to him...the first half-hour of being awake is usually done on autopilot due to the fact that very little of the world makes sense when you just wake up.  I'm not even going to discuss the last part.  I apparently once recited the entire Gettysburg address in my sleep, and I don't think I can do that when I'm awake.  Talking does not signify consciousness!  Just look at most politicians.

4.) Is Drunk - I mean, come on.  Do I really need to go any further?

5.) There is a Woman in a State of Undress anywhere in visual range - This includes you.  Yes, you have his immediate and undivided attention, but unless you're talking about sex, the head you want to engage is not in charge.  When they're a naked woman nearby, either all his blood has rushed to his crotch, or he is horrified yet unable to draw his attention away from the grim spectacle presented before him, even if he is no longer looking (Friendly tip: Don't volunteer at a nursing home.  Old women with senile dementia do strange things.)  Regardless of whether he's thinking "Mmm...boobies, it's what's for dinner" or "Oh, God, oh, God, they're brushing the floor!" I guarantee that any other topic is going to a distant second.

Here's a good rule:  Check and see if he's wearing pants.  If he's not, chances are good that he fits into one of the above five categories (any of them...# 3 and # 5 are the most likely, but #1 and # 2 can be possible, and #4 is usually the most likely at one of Songy's parties.


Thank you for your time.  Let's be careful out there.