March 30, 2007 - New and improved! Enjoy the new, added god!
Ok, I’ll be the first one to admit when a joke goes too far. Well, maybe the second. Or third. Hell, this joke right here has now gone on too long, but I’m not prepared to admit it yet. Not now, either. Or now. Well, you get the idea.
The point is…son of a bitch, I’ve forgotten the point. Damn it…hold on.
What was is? Something about gnomes? Giraffes? The G.O.P.? It had a “G,” darn it. Well, this is just embarrassing. I swear to God, I…oh, wait. That was it.
Ok, now that my FREQUENTLY DERAILED TRAIN OF THOUGHT is back on the tracks, I remember my point. My point is that sometimes, I take things too far. I take something that is, at best, mildly amusing, and keep building on it until I can’t tell whether or not I’m being hilarious or pissing off everyone around me. To be fair, sometimes it’s a little of “Column A” and a little of “Column B.”
That being said, there are a few times where others are mildly amused by my antics, and urge me to write them down. “Starship Josh” is a perfect example. Now, at the insistence of certain nefarious females in my life, I’m going to share a private joke that has been kicking around in my head for a while now.
It all started years ago in a Mage game. There was a spell you could cast that was called “Praise Asphaltia,” which you would cast and immediately find a really good parking space. Of course, since I’m never met a good idea I couldn’t run to the ground, I began to cry “Praise Asphaltia!” whenever I found a good parking space in real life.
Now, maybe I imagined it, but I started noticing that I began to get better and better parking spaces. I’ll admit it was probably just my mind noticing what I usually just took for granted, but still, is was interesting Interesting enough, in fact, that I began to expand on that, coming up with rules of worship and more deities. So, without further ado, I give you…
The Pantheon of the Driving Gods
The gods of Driving are listed here in the order I came up with them. I may add to this later, we’ll see. Included are their portfolios and the best ways to offer them worship or, when necessary, placate them. If anyone has any ideas for new gods, just let me know.
Asphaltia – Technically, I didn’t come up with her, but I definitely gave her heart and personality. Take that, White Wolf Publishing!
Asphaltia is the patroness of parking lots, street parking, and smooth, even roads, and the ruler of the pantheon of driving deities. She represents all that is good in driving, safe beginnings, safe travels, and safe endings. You would pray to Asphaltia for a good parking space or a lack of potholes on the highway ahead. You can earn her ire by falling prey to her nemesis Trafficca (I’ll get to that later) and giving in to the dark impulses of driving. Impatience, carelessness, inattentiveness and short temper lead to Asphaltia cursing you with uneven roads in strange places and parking two miles from your destination in a freezing rainstorm. She will wait months if she has to in order to punish you for some forgotten slight.
The good news is that she is the easiest of the driving gods to placate. If you are patient, alert, and courteous to your fellow drivers, Asphaltia will show mercy upon you and usher you into the promised land; which is to say, the parking spaces right by the Handicapped section, or roads that have just been smoothed by the touch of her son, Constructor (more later.) A cry of “Praise Asphaltia!” when you find a good parking space or a clear, smooth patch of road is also an excellent idea. She appreciates the courtesy, and really, who doesn’t like to be thanked for their help?
Concretus – The first of my invented gods. I’m so proud!
Concretus is Asphaltia’s dour older brother. As Asphaltia is the goddess of parking lots and street parking, Concretus is the god of parking garages. To contrast Asphaltia’s open, broad, and somewhat low-key approach to her domain, Concretus is strict, a believer in enforced rules and order. Naturally, you would obsecrate (look it up) Concretus when looking for a parking space in a parking garage. The bad news is that Concretus is a strict and stern deity; he does not look kindly on those who seek to bend or break the rules for their own gain, and he definitely will grow wroth at those who listen to the urgings of the Destroyer, Trafficca. He, far more so than his sister, will grow congested and grind everything to a standstill when people try to abuse his rules in his narrow arteries.
Sadly, Concretus is a hard god to please, but easy to avoid angering. If you are patient and avoid anger (and Trafficca’s dark urgings,) you will be eventually led to a parking space. Self-sacrifice will also please Concretus…if you pass the first few parking spaces you find and move to a more open area, or, even better, drive straight to the room when it’s open, Concretus may notice your wisdom and generosity to those behind you and bless you with a good space later when you are in dire need. No cries of praise will aid you with him; he is a strict god with no use for praise or flattery. Obey his rules, or suffer his wrath.
Trafficca – The Adversary. El Diablo. Loki. The Psycho Ex.
Trafficca represents all that is bad or terrible about driving, which is to say, other people. You could drive just fine on any road, or find a parking spot with no problem if it weren’t for other drivers. Just about every problem with driving can be link to idiots on the road, screwing everything up: cutting you off, swerving, tailgating, stopping too short, talking on their cell phone, putting both their hands on the head of the fifty dollar hooker that’s blowing them instead of on the wheel (please don’t read this, mom,) ignoring traffic signals and so forth.
Now, before you start getting smug, just remember that you’ve been Trafficca’s bitch plenty of times, yourself. She’s insidious, and everyone has weak moments of inattentiveness or anger. She must be battled constantly, and the best way to do so is by following the ways of the other driving Gods. Driving is, by its very nature, an ordered and structured activity, and even Asphaltia, who offers in her bounty the joy of driving and the freedom of the open road, expects you not to drive on the wrong side of the road, or the sidewalk, or some poor fool’s backyard. When you ignore the structure of driving and introduce Chaos into the equation, you open the door for Trafficca’s influence.
Trafficca’s influence is widespread, and basically covers most of the human equation of driving. She causes accidents, traffic jams, and gridlock. She also stokes road rage, encourages inattentiveness (except in cops…she delights in sharpening their eyes,) and encourages rubbernecking at all the accidents and traffic stops. All that crap you learned in driving class and from whatever fat, cigar-chomping old Greek that you took driving lessons from (No one? No one else? Ok, maybe that one’s just me) is actually the best way to stay free of her influence. Stay calm, obey all traffic laws, be courteous (but not stupid,) and stay alert at all time. Not drinking or doing drugs also helps. A group of people I know who shall remain nameless once got pulled over while tripping balls for going 3 mph in a 55 mph zone. They told the cop they thought they were doing 60. I think that was one of Trafficca’s masterpieces, personally. Well, that and the Atlanta
Signalia – I technically invented her before Trafficca, but the people had to be warned. I hope she doesn’t smite me for this.
The goddess of all traffic lights and road signals, she is the most fickle of the driving gods. While following certain rules and maintaining an order of sorts, she in unlike all the other gods, even including Trafficca, in that her favor and wrath are almost entirely arbitrary. Trafficca constantly seeks to undo you, Concretus will smite you if speed and swerve in his domain, and Asphaltia will smile on you if you help smite some asshole driving a Boxter who parks in a “Handicapped” zone by siccing the cops on him, Signalia’s favor or wrath has no rhyme or reason.
Sometimes, she will hear your silent pleas when you are late for a date, and show you only her green, smiling countenance, and then turn around when you are late for an important meeting and stare at you with her pitiless, unblinking crimson gaze. She can also tap into the theory of temporal relativity, and make it so her green gaze seems to last seconds, while her red eye will stare at you with malicious glee for hours. The only consistency she shows is a sly appreciation for those who skirt just under her grasp and cross under her while her eye shines yellow, the color of gold, luck, and warmth. While her gaze is yellow, those who kiss their hands and touch the roof of their car (in effect, sending a kiss to Signalia,) while moving through the intersection she stands warden will please her with their wit and flair. They may find that she will make them lucky at some later point on their journey for their boldness.
Signus – Pronounced ‘SIG-nus.’
Signalia’s brother, this largely overlooked and unappreciated god actually uses his tendency to be overlooked or seem unremarkable to punish those who displease him. He is the patron of all road signs and billboards, and tends to be ignored or taken for granted, people only looking at him when he holds some vital piece of information they need. He can be appeased usually by just looking at him and paying attention to the messages and regulations of which he seeks to inform you. Seeing and obeying his request to “Slow – Construction ahead” may lead to him revealing the aspects of him that point you to food, gas, strip clubs (again, don’t read this, mom. You too, grandma,) or shelter.
Ultimately, Signus just wishes to be listened to. Do not think him helpless, however, since if you ignore his insistence that the speed limit is only 60 mph, it may well be his billboard that shelters the cop that busts you for speeding.
It should come as a surprise to no one that Signus is the patron deity of Waldo and Stark counties in central Florida
Meteriom – Not technically a god. More like a class of servitors for Asphaltia. Like Angels, or Laker Girls.
The Meteriom are a class of Servitors for Asphaltia, may her broad expanses stretch forever. They are the stern Wardens of her more prime choice parking spots on her busy streets and urban parking lots. They stand guard, night and day of these desired parking spaces, and make sure that they are never taken for granted from those that seek respite from the dizzying speed and open highway of Asphaltia’s embrace.
Unlike the gods themselves, the Meteriom are more demanding, and require offerings and praise as they go about their duty. This does not reflect pettiness or erratic behavior on their part, just that they understand they are not as large and potent as the Driving gods, and thus require tribute for they vital respite they provide. For being such stern servitors of their goddess, they also understand that the ability to adapt to a difficult situation is usually the only way to grow in life, and so one who approaches these stalwart spirits often perform “the Dance of Change.” You place your hands at your sides, cast your eyes downward, and shuffle your feet in front of the Meteriom to whom you are offering sacrifice. The Meteriom dislike the sight of idle hands bereft of industry, no most place them in their pockets or purse as the shift their weight from foot to foot. Then, after you have completed the short dance, you can placate the dire guardians with small pieces of shiny metal. As most Meterioms started their existence with a shiny, silvery hue before they ages or were painted over, they historically prefer silver-colored metal. After placing the offering in their thin, gaping mouth, your grasp the handle in front of them, their stunted metal hand, and turn to the right, showing your good faith and desire to treat with them honestly. They will wink at you, and then raise their small needle-like hand inside their eye (a FASCINATING biology!) to salute you, sending you on your way with this sign that they understand and have accepted your proposed pact.
The Meteriom are tended by a strange and mysterious order, which have no names for themselves. They speak of the Meteriom in their old tongue (an intriguing old language, long since lost to the modern age, of course, which is noteworthy as it lacks all vowels save the “e”) and live their lives to serve and assist these inexorable servants of Asphaltia. These nameless cult, or “Meterm Aides,” as they refer to themselves, using their ancient name for Meteriom, will roam the areas attended by these mute custodians, searching for those that a Meteriom has turned its red glaring eye of hatred upon. Once the “Meterm Aides” have found such an offender, they will place a vile curse upon him, damning him to twisted, chthonic plane known by many fell names, such as “City Hall,” “The Division of Parking,” and other ominous agnomen.
The Meteriom, for all of their dread reputations, are not without mercy. Every once in a while, when you place your vehicle under their care, you may find that they already stand at attention, saluting you to inform you that your care is safe from the terrible doom that would otherwise befall you. When this occurs, it is always a good idea to offer them a slight bow, and to praise and gratitude to both the Meteriom in question, and their generous and expansive mistress, Asphaltia. Never take this for granted, however, for a Meteriom’s patience is finite, and must be renewed regularly.
As an added odd fact, most Meterioms are diurnal, and sleep once it grows dark. However, it is sometimes difficult to tell whether or not a Meteriom is slumbering or not, so be careful.
Constructor – The son of Asphaltia.
Constructor appears to be doing the work of Trafficca, causing delays, blocking routes, shutting down whole streets, intersections or even highways themselves, the very arteries of Asphaltia as he carries on his inexorable and agonizingly slow work. He is only worshipped and honored by the secretive and unknowable monastic order that sends him forth, a bizarre entity known only by the strange marks they place on their orange, conical shrines and narrow concrete alter: D O T. Yet, for all of the aggravation and delay he causes, he is actually his mother’s faithful servant. In all cases of his passage, the roads that reflect the glorious face of Asphaltia are improved, save for when Trafficca corrupts the monks of the D O T into following the dark path of embezzling and nepotism, encouraging them to let potholes breed unchecked and hire their nephews to engage in bizarre rituals of Trafficca worship, which seem to basically involve spending taxpayer money on booze, hookers, and cocaine (see Rhode Island, circa 1980-1996.)
