What HAVE I been doing for this film?

Hey!  I just finally wrapped my scenes (after three YEARS of shooting!) for "Jules Dongu Saves the World!" I felt it was only appropriate to update my life of misadventures during movie shooting.  If you'd like to read more about the film, just check out www.julesdongu.com.  Just be warned that the "Documentary" video under their "Trailers" section is neither safe for work, nor our relationship.

Things I Have Done While Shooting the Movie

- Shared a hotel room with 11 other people.
- Been party to a woman being pelted with chunky soup.
- Nearly thrown out a four-star hotel.
- Been party to possible violations of abuse laws governing children, pets, and the elderly.
- Presented myself as a staff member of an Anime Convention.
- Allowed guests to think I am a hotel staffer.
- Been on the local news.
- Trespassed on private lands.
- Possibly been involved on illegal use of public lands
- Made out with an elderly woman.
- Met three anime voice actors.
- Been filmed on numerous occasions not wearing pants.
- Been hog-tied (repeatedly.)
- Hugged a woman dressed Carmen Sandiago.
- Been gagged with an apple.
- Sworn several oaths of bloody vengeance against the director, the producer, several cameramen, and an actress.
- Performed stunts in a car that wasn't mine on a public road.
- Seen the director naked (to be fair, he's not in bad shape.)
- Been part of an in-depth discussion about the humor merits of a man in a thong vs. a banana hammock.
- Guarded a room where intercourse was being simulated.
- Eaten a flower.
- Had an extended conversation with a squirrel, a bird, and a dead tree.
- Shopped at the same store as Mel Gibson and Danny Glover.
- Uttered the words "I'm pretty sure he doesn't molest donkeys" on film.
- Stayed lying on a cactus for five minutes to "preserve the take."
- Had a wasp land on my cheek while bound and gagged (sadly, me, not the wasp.)
- Suffered numerous blows to the head.
- Pretended to fart for nearly twenty minutes straight.
- Stuck a pencil in the director's nose.
- Been attended by EMTs.
- Placed in handcuffs.
- Been told "No, it doesn't matter what you say, as long as it's something weird and geeky."
- Had to reassure someone they didn't look TOO slutty.
- Done the "Safety Dance."
- Operated a boom mike.
- Snuck into a locked house.
- Worn a woman's bathrobe.
- Sank two boats.
- Been placed on "Horny Horseshoe Crab" watch.
- Nearly been pulled out to sea in a paddleboat.
- Gotten sunburned more times than any other in my life.
- Called someone a "Foul Legionnaire of Darkness."
- Suggested large men in long black coats wielding fake shotguns and rifles not hang around outside on a public street.
- Read the whole seventh "Harry Potter" book during one day of filming.
- Discussed which kitchen condiment could invoke the most sexual innuendo.
- Been slapped, repeatedly.
- Nearly been struck be lightning
- Had to convince hotel staff that the director was snorting powdered sugar and not cocaine.
- Been instructed to "lie outrageously" on film during filming for the film's documentary.
- Lost 55 pounds between film shots during 10 month break in filming.
- Been threatened with legal action.
- Fed a beer bong to an 80-year-old woman.
- Repeated had a ball bounced on my head while I was bound with a pink rope.
- Tried to figure out how many ethnic groups I was offending that day. (Record was four in one day.)
- Worn a dinosaur tie.
- Watched a whole feature film while waiting for a shot that takes about roughly 2 seconds of the film to be shot.
- Bruised, sprained, twisted, turned, or overextended six joints.
- Argued that being drunk was better than being stoned on painkillers.
- Had a gun hurled into my crotch.
- Been involved in numerous film shoots that lasted past 3 in the morning.
- Apologized to someone before punching them in the head.
- Heard someone ask, "Is it funnier to stick my left hand down my pants?"
- Been told the gay community supports our movie.
- Laid on a couched that Beyonce once allegedly farted upon.
- Done the "My Milkshake" dance to help a woman feel better about her body issues and perceived "fat butt."
- Threatened with the loss of my fingers by, quote, "vicious 'swording.'"
- Discussed the various reasons why gay sex would be better than sex with a tyrannosaurus rex.
- Filmed for almost 20 hours in one day to complete a series of scenes.
- Had to convince everyone and their grandmother that I was not, in fact, starring in pornography, followed by:
- Giving up, telling everyone that I was shooting porn, but reassuring that I was only the guy that was trying to fix all the office equipment, but couldn't because everyone was doing it on them.  I told them the movie's name was "Office Space(s to F***,) part 6."

- And, of course, had some of the weirdest, craziest, most fun times of my life.  Now, on to cutting my hair and donating it to "Locks for Love" for the first time in over 3 years.