This is less my muse biting me and more a savage, angry need to rant and scream at myself in order to purge some nasty self-recrimination. If it also happens to be humorous or entertaining, I can't be held accountable for that.
Starship Josh: The Trail of the Captains!
[On board the Bridge of the Starship Josh. Super Ego and Ego are sitting side by side, chained to their chairs. The assembled crew stands around them, murmuring. Id, Emotion, and Intellect stand before them.]
Intellect: All right, all right. Quiet down, everyone, and we'll begin.
[The Bridge quiets.]
Intellect: We will now begin the formal inquiry into the actions of Commander Super Ego and SubCommander Ego on May 24, 2006 C.E., specifically focusing on the alleged charges of gross negligence and conduct unbecoming an officer, stemming from their actions, or lack thereof, at the Central Downtown Post Office, from 10:30 am to 10:45am. Although this is necessary, it is with heavy heart that we proceed in this...isn't that right, Emotion?
Emotion: I'll fucking kill you two! [Lunges for S. Ego and Ego. Intellect pulls her back.]
Intellect: Veritably stricken with melancholy, then. You stand accused by Emotion, obviously, and...
Id: She had a FANTASTIC ASS!
Intellect: ...Id.
[Voice of Memory on Speaker]: Yes, Intellect?
[Everyone blinks, stares up at Speaker.]
Memory: What!?!? It's the afternoon on a Wednesday, you assholes! We're still at work and haven't had a drink since Friday! We're sober and I speak just as clearly as the rest of you! Now, do you pack of mouth-breathers want to make something of it, or do I replay the scene from last night's "House" where the guy's testicle exploded?!?!?!?
[Everyone hisses]
Intellect: Ummm...no, thank you, Memory. Let's just review the time in question. What happened?
Memory: We had just entered the...
Id: She had a FANTASTIC ASS!
Intellect: Id! Once more and I will call the Inhibitor Squad! Please continue, Memory.
Memory: Hmm...we had just entered the main office of the Post Office after picking up our workplace's mail from the P.O. Box. As we took our place as third in the line, we noticed the subject of this inquiry picking at a dispenser of tape. She was a young woman in her early 20's, with red hair, and a fair complexion. As I said, we noticed her just as she was bending over...
Id: She had a FANTASTIC ASS!
Intellect: Right, that tears it, you are REMOVED! I want a fully armed Squad up here double time, there is NO excus...wait. No, no, wait, that actually works. Id, your point is, if out of turn, well taken. Please continue, Memory.
Memory: Libido's alarms went off, Id increased the heart rate, and the Protocol and Decorum department was desperately sending signals to Visual trying to get them to break off their too-lengthy scan. At this point, the subject turned to us and asked, "I'm sorry, but you give me a hand with this? My nails just won't do the job."
Emotion: Tell the court HOW she said it, Memory!
Memory: The subject spoke in an educated and musical British accent.
[The crowd gasps. Ego's head sags, S.Ego's head is thrown back defiantly.]
Emotion: It was like being verbally caressed by poetry!
Ego: We're screwed.
S.Ego: Shh!
Visual: Her hips were dunes in moonlight!
Olfactory: She smelled of orange blossoms!
Tactile: Her fingertips on our hand sent a chill up our spine!
Id: She HAD a FANTASTIC ASS!!!
[The mob devolves, surging forward, flailing and kicking. Intellect shouts for order as the Inhibitor Squad rushes in, breaking up the melee.]
Intellect: All right, all right! Now, we are going to do this in a civilized fashion! Memory, please continue!
Memory: The accused gave orders to assist her unraveling the tape. We let three other people pass us in line as we proceeded to assist the subject in securing her package, the Internal Editor suppressed Id's comment about securing our package, and then the subject began to search around for a pen to fill in a customs form.
Intellect: And?
Memory: ..we offered them ours.
Intellect: We offered them ours! And did we get that pen back?
Memory: The subject offered, after we had completed our business and walked up to offer her our good-byes and best wishes. We noted that she was not finished with it, and declined.
Intellect: We let her keep the pen! And then?
Memory: The accused directed us to our workplace's truck and we left.
Id: She had a FANTASTIC ASS!
Intellect: And there it is, fellow crewmembers. We left. We did not inquire as to her name...
Memory: ...or her phone number.
Emotion: Or if she wanted to have dinner!
Id: Or her stance on casual group sex and whether or not she had a flexible, open-minded roommate!
Intellect: We simply left. Now, Commander, SubCommander, how do you respond?
S.Ego: [Inhales, resolved] I can only express my regret and sorrow that the situation turned out as it did. It is my deep, sincere wish that next time a situation like this develops, Ego and I possess the strength and courage not to lose control of the bridge to usurpers and mutineers.
Intellect: Usurpers? Mutineers? What do you mean?
[The massive steel doors to the subconscious in the back of the Bridge creak open, the heavy chains that bind them shut swing open with broken links. The bridge shakes as footsteps crash like thunder as two huge figures step out.]
S.Ego: Intellect, I believe you remember Anxiety and Insecurity?
[All look up.]
[And up.]
[And up.]
[Almost...almost...there. Stop.]
[That's their names on their chests.]
[Keep going up.]
[Up...little more...aaaaaand stop. All look in Anxiety and Insecurity's cold, dark eyes as they smile with jagged maws of shark, serrated, razor-sharp fangs.]
Anxiety: Hey.
Insecurity: 'Sup?
Intellect: [Hangs head] Ah. The old monsters of the Subconscious won again, then? Very well, Id, let them go.
Id: Let them...but, Intellect!
Intellect: No, I've lost battles to them too. No matter how strong we are, we will, all of us, still occasionally fall before these behemoths. [He releases Ego and S.Ego.]
Emotion: True...and we can either beat the Commander and the Subcommander up about it, or we can forgive ourselves, and hope we do better next time. Memory, let's make sure we remember this for next time, ok?
Memory: Absolument, émotion!
[All blink]
Id: [Whispering into the intercom] That's right, we'll drown them! Stomach's already got the two doubles of whiskey, and...uh...
[All glare]
Id: I'm gonna have to call you back.
S.Ego: Come on, crew, let's get back to work. We'll get pizza for lunch.
Emotion: We LOVE pizza!
[Everyone goes back to work. Id slumps in the former prisoners' chairs. He looks up at Anxiety and Insecurity.]
Anxiety: Come on,Id.
Insecurity: You in?
Id: I guess.
[They head off towards the doors to the Subconscious.]
Id: Her ass really was fantastic, though.
Anxiety: Yep.
Insecurity: True.
Anxiety: She kinda smelled like flowers, too.
Id: ...what?
Anxiety: ...uh, I meant she had nice knockers.
Id: Yeah. Yeah, she sure did. She sure did.
[Fin]
Author's note: I'm not making this up. This shit happens in my head ALL THE TIME.
Starship Josh: The Trail of the Captains!
[On board the Bridge of the Starship Josh. Super Ego and Ego are sitting side by side, chained to their chairs. The assembled crew stands around them, murmuring. Id, Emotion, and Intellect stand before them.]
Intellect: All right, all right. Quiet down, everyone, and we'll begin.
[The Bridge quiets.]
Intellect: We will now begin the formal inquiry into the actions of Commander Super Ego and SubCommander Ego on May 24, 2006 C.E., specifically focusing on the alleged charges of gross negligence and conduct unbecoming an officer, stemming from their actions, or lack thereof, at the Central Downtown Post Office, from 10:30 am to 10:45am. Although this is necessary, it is with heavy heart that we proceed in this...isn't that right, Emotion?
Emotion: I'll fucking kill you two! [Lunges for S. Ego and Ego. Intellect pulls her back.]
Intellect: Veritably stricken with melancholy, then. You stand accused by Emotion, obviously, and...
Id: She had a FANTASTIC ASS!
Intellect: ...
[Voice of Memory on Speaker]: Yes, Intellect?
[Everyone blinks, stares up at Speaker.]
Memory: What!?!? It's the afternoon on a Wednesday, you assholes! We're still at work and haven't had a drink since Friday! We're sober and I speak just as clearly as the rest of you! Now, do you pack of mouth-breathers want to make something of it, or do I replay the scene from last night's "House" where the guy's testicle exploded?!?!?!?
[Everyone hisses]
Intellect: Ummm...no, thank you, Memory. Let's just review the time in question. What happened?
Memory: We had just entered the...
Id: She had a FANTASTIC ASS!
Intellect: Id! Once more and I will call the Inhibitor Squad! Please continue, Memory.
Memory: Hmm...we had just entered the main office of the Post Office after picking up our workplace's mail from the P.O. Box. As we took our place as third in the line, we noticed the subject of this inquiry picking at a dispenser of tape. She was a young woman in her early 20's, with red hair, and a fair complexion. As I said, we noticed her just as she was bending over...
Id: She had a FANTASTIC ASS!
Intellect: Right, that tears it, you are REMOVED! I want a fully armed Squad up here double time, there is NO excus...wait. No, no, wait, that actually works. Id, your point is, if out of turn, well taken. Please continue, Memory.
Memory: Libido's alarms went off, Id increased the heart rate, and the Protocol and Decorum department was desperately sending signals to Visual trying to get them to break off their too-lengthy scan. At this point, the subject turned to us and asked, "I'm sorry, but you give me a hand with this? My nails just won't do the job."
Emotion: Tell the court HOW she said it, Memory!
Memory: The subject spoke in an educated and musical British accent.
[The crowd gasps. Ego's head sags, S.Ego's head is thrown back defiantly.]
Emotion: It was like being verbally caressed by poetry!
Ego: We're screwed.
S.Ego: Shh!
Visual: Her hips were dunes in moonlight!
Olfactory: She smelled of orange blossoms!
Tactile: Her fingertips on our hand sent a chill up our spine!
Id: She HAD a FANTASTIC ASS!!!
[The mob devolves, surging forward, flailing and kicking. Intellect shouts for order as the Inhibitor Squad rushes in, breaking up the melee.]
Intellect: All right, all right! Now, we are going to do this in a civilized fashion! Memory, please continue!
Memory: The accused gave orders to assist her unraveling the tape. We let three other people pass us in line as we proceeded to assist the subject in securing her package, the Internal Editor suppressed Id's comment about securing our package, and then the subject began to search around for a pen to fill in a customs form.
Intellect: And?
Memory: ..we offered them ours.
Intellect: We offered them ours! And did we get that pen back?
Memory: The subject offered, after we had completed our business and walked up to offer her our good-byes and best wishes. We noted that she was not finished with it, and declined.
Intellect: We let her keep the pen! And then?
Memory: The accused directed us to our workplace's truck and we left.
Id: She had a FANTASTIC ASS!
Intellect: And there it is, fellow crewmembers. We left. We did not inquire as to her name...
Memory: ...or her phone number.
Emotion: Or if she wanted to have dinner!
Id: Or her stance on casual group sex and whether or not she had a flexible, open-minded roommate!
Intellect: We simply left. Now, Commander, SubCommander, how do you respond?
S.Ego: [Inhales, resolved] I can only express my regret and sorrow that the situation turned out as it did. It is my deep, sincere wish that next time a situation like this develops, Ego and I possess the strength and courage not to lose control of the bridge to usurpers and mutineers.
Intellect: Usurpers? Mutineers? What do you mean?
[The massive steel doors to the subconscious in the back of the Bridge creak open, the heavy chains that bind them shut swing open with broken links. The bridge shakes as footsteps crash like thunder as two huge figures step out.]
S.Ego: Intellect, I believe you remember Anxiety and Insecurity?
[All look up.]
[And up.]
[And up.]
[Almost...almost...there. Stop.]
[That's their names on their chests.]
[Keep going up.]
[Up...little more...aaaaaand stop. All look in Anxiety and Insecurity's cold, dark eyes as they smile with jagged maws of shark, serrated, razor-sharp fangs.]
Anxiety: Hey.
Insecurity: 'Sup?
Intellect: [Hangs head] Ah. The old monsters of the Subconscious won again, then? Very well, Id, let them go.
Id: Let them...but, Intellect!
Intellect: No, I've lost battles to them too. No matter how strong we are, we will, all of us, still occasionally fall before these behemoths. [He releases Ego and S.Ego.]
Emotion: True...and we can either beat the Commander and the Subcommander up about it, or we can forgive ourselves, and hope we do better next time. Memory, let's make sure we remember this for next time, ok?
Memory: Absolument, émotion!
[All blink]
Id: [Whispering into the intercom] That's right, we'll drown them! Stomach's already got the two doubles of whiskey, and...uh...
[All glare]
Id: I'm gonna have to call you back.
S.Ego: Come on, crew, let's get back to work. We'll get pizza for lunch.
Emotion: We LOVE pizza!
[Everyone goes back to work. Id slumps in the former prisoners' chairs. He looks up at Anxiety and Insecurity.]
Anxiety: Come on,
Insecurity: You in?
Id: I guess.
[They head off towards the doors to the Subconscious.]
Id: Her ass really was fantastic, though.
Anxiety: Yep.
Insecurity: True.
Anxiety: She kinda smelled like flowers, too.
Id: ...what?
Anxiety: ...uh, I meant she had nice knockers.
Id: Yeah. Yeah, she sure did. She sure did.
[Fin]
Author's note: I'm not making this up. This shit happens in my head ALL THE TIME.
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