Well, the Starship Josh started in a haze of drunkness, sleep deprivation, and general surreal hallucinations after a night of very hard drinking...the night, in fact, that I found "the Tequila Cow." If you're interested, go ahead and read on to see the first four "Starship Josh" episodes. If you have better things to do than read the insane ramblings of a lunatic, just move on, and no one will judge you...you bastards.
Episode 1 "Jackie Chan so Drunk Right Now" (Posted first on March 2, 2002)
[A scene in Josh's head]
Ego: Jesus GOD! The Commander's on his way! Everyone, stations, stations! Tuck in your shirts! Sweep that under the console! And what the hell is that?
[SuperEgo enters]
Ego: Commander on deck!
[SuperEgo surveys commander center]
SuperEgo: Hmmm...Good morning, Subcommander.
E: Good morning, Sir.
SE: Quite a state we're in this morning, I see.
E: Sir, yes, sir.
SE: Mmm...you have a report?
[Ego hands over report, SuperEgo double takes]
SE: Is this number correct?
E: By our best counts, Commander.
SE: [Hits console] Memory! Come in, Archivist!
Archivist: Bonjour, Commander! Comment ca-va?
SE: Our memory is French?
E: Ummm...only temporarily, sir. At some point last night, we kept trying to translate everything relayed between the body parts to French and then retranslate it back into English.
SE: Good Lord...Memory, are these figures I'm seeing correct? NINE shots of 99 Proof BLueberry schnapps, bottle lobotomized?
A: Oui, Monsieur.
SE: Six shots, Jose Cuervo Tequila, bottle lobotomized?
A: Oui.
SE: Four shots of Captain Morgan's Spiced rum, plus one bowl of Special brand on the rocks?
A: Oui.
SE: "Various" Smirnoff Ices? No exact count?
A: Non, Monsieur.
SE: An Amberbacht, an Amaretto sour, and a shot of Creme de Cacao?
A: Si, Senor?
SE: What?
A: Uhhh...Désolé, Monsieur...c'est toujours assez désorganisé en bas ici...J'ai géré pour épargner tout qui est entré hier soir, mais ce n'est pas vraiment dans l'ordre au courant...
SE: Fine, get to work. SuperEgo out. [Leaves console] All right, who exactly was in charge last night? And what the hell is thing I'm reading about a "Tequila Cow?"
E: [Coughs] Uhh...Id MAY have gotten loose last night, Sir.
SE: [Pause] Excuse me?
E: Well, sir, you had taken the night off...
SE: AND YOU THOUGHT IT WAS A GOOD IDEA TO LEAVE THAT MANIAC TO ROAM FREE? IS THAT WHY "I AM THE YETI" IS WRITTEN ALL OVER THIS GODDAMN REPORT!?!?!?!
E: [Hangs head] I'm sorry, sir...we were able to keep him mostly contained...
SE: [Checks report] You opened the arms cabinet?
E: Yes, sir...the Inhibition team's numbers were weakened, so I had to resort to some extreme measures...
SE: Stun Batons?
E: Id met two midgets named Steve and Andrew while searching the complex for the Tequila Cow.
SE: [Checks report] Tear Gas?
E: Bryan kept insisting that he was drunker than us, sir, and Id considered it a challenge. The reft of us felt we had to do something to keep the stomach from more Alcohol, so...
SE: Riot Gear, Fully-automatic weapons loaded with rubber bullets, and the authorization of Brutal force?!?!?
E: Id got to the libidio.
[Momentous pause]
SE: Sweet Zombie Jesus...was anyone harmed?
E: Thankfully, no, sir. But we did win a game of chess!
SE: What the HELL does that have to do with anything?!?
E: Umm...I'm not sure, sir...We're still pretty drunk right now.
Ensign: Sir? Report from Stomach...it says that if it doesn't get something substantial that doesn't tear up its lining soon, it's coming up hear and murdering every single on of us.
SE: [Sigh] Fine, fine. Legs, set a course for the Kitchen, and then we'll initiate the Showering protocals.
*End*
Episode 2 "The Continuing Voyages" (First posted March 9, 2002)
SuperEgo: [Snore, start] Huh? What? I'm awake! [Looks around] Navigation, where the hell are we?
[Voice chirps on intercom]
Navigation: Hello, Commander...we are currently at Corey's Mother's place.
SE: What? Since when? Who gave the order?
N: SubCommander Ego, Sir. He placed us on Autopilot right before we left work.
SE: [Scrubs face] Right, right...I had gone to get some rest, and figured nothing much would happen getting home...Well, all right, let me just find some pants and I'll...
[Sudden loud wailing alarm]
SE: What the HELL? That's the hunger siren! Stomach, what the hell is going on?
Stomach: [Over intercom] FOOD! MUST DEVOUR!
SE: Helpful, thank you...Now, why the alarm? Ego wouldn't gear the body up like this, he'd just start looking around and asking Corey...So who...[Eyes widen] Oh, sweet tap-dancing zombie CHRIST!
[SuperEgo runs for Central Command, yanks on pants]
[In Central, Id sits in the Commander's chair]
Id: Mouth, commence drool! And lick those lips, I want this to go down without a hitch! Stomach, prepare for food! Repeat, prepare for food! Adrenal glands, I need all you've got! This one could be difficult...
SE: [Bursts in, followed by Ego] All right, hold up! Belay that order! What the HELL are you doing, Id?
I: Commander! Hi! What's wrong?
SE: Id, you have exactly TWO SECONDS to explain what's going on before I call the Inhibition Swat Team.
I: Commander, we haven't refeuled in 26 hours...I'm merely securing us nourishment.
SE: [Blinks] Oh...well, I suppose that IS your job.
I: Precisely. Don't worry, Commander, everything is under control.
SE: Well, fine, fine...I suppose I misjudged you. Carry on, Id. [Turns to leave]
Ego: Uh, Commander...
SE: WHAT!?!?
E: Sir, I can't detect any foodstuffs in the immediate vicinity.
SE: What? Id, what are you planning on eating?
I: It's right there, Sir. Visual? Put it on the main screen.
SE: That's Monica!
I: It's a small, fleshy mammal. Full of protein and nutrients. So, if you'll excuse me, Commander...
SE: MONICA IS NOT FOOD!!!
I: Really? Pity...well, there are those two backup targets right there, so, no loss.
SE: Corey and Songy are ALSO not edible!
I: No, it's all right, Sir! I checked first! Logic?
Logic: Actually, Commander, nothing states that they are NOT, in fact, edible. They are composed of a similar substance to beef, mutton, venison, and any number of other mammals that we have consumed. There are potentially negative consequences, such as potential legal difficulties, potential illnesses, and cleanup to consider, but nothing rules them out as inedible.
Emotion: No! We love Corey, Monica, and Songy! Don't eat them!
SE: Thank you, Emotion, and don't encourage him, Logic. You know he just uses you to justify his actions and then otherwise ignores you. Id, you CAN'T eat those three.
I: But, Sir, I think we can! By my scans, we're larger, stronger, and have a greater reach! They're quicker, but the enclosed space of the apartment will eliminate that advantage!
[Everyone stares, stunned]
See? I thought ahead. Now, prepare to grapple on my mark, and mouth, I want you to land on the jugular on the first shot, so standby!
SE: Belay that! [Punches intercom] System, this the the Commander, stand down Red Alert. Repeat, stand down Red Alert. Olfactory, start scanning for VIABLE foodstuffs, and I need a heavily armed Inhibition Squad up here five minutes ago.
*End*
*No Monicas, Songys, or Coreys were harmed in the making of this episode of
Starship Josh. The same cannot be said for Joshs, but hey, that's what
makes the show funny.*
Episode 3 "The Search For Inspiration" (First posted on May 26, 2002)
Author's note: I swear to god this is all true. Enjoy.
________________________________________
[Commander SuperEgo walks down the halls of the mind towards command]
SuperEgo: I always seem to drift off in the last few hours of work. [Checks update screen] We're in the car? Damn it, I specifically left Ego strict orders to keep me posted. Memory Archives?
Memory: Oui, Commandant?
SE: How long have we been moving?
M: Onze minutes, Commandant.
SE: I see...headed home, I trust?
M: Non, monsieur. Apparemment, nous sommes dans chasser de mode.
SE: What? Damn it, Archive, do you HAVE to keep speaking in French? How the hell can we act on what we've done if we can't understand a God-damn word you're saying?
M: Je demande pardon, Commandant. Je n'ai pas retrouvé toujours pour la quantité massive de Tequila que nous avons consommé au le "Birth-Tacular" au Patrick Songy.
SE: The Tequila's STILL THERE? Archive, how much did we DRINK?!?!
M: Nous avons trouvé la vache, monsieur.
SE: [Sigh] Right. I'm going to forward command...maybe someone THERE can tell me what's going on in a way I can UNDERSTAND.
M: Baisez-vous, monsieur le cochon!
SE: What?!?!
M: ...rien.
SE: I didn't think so.
[SuperEgo walks into forward command]
SE: What the...SubCommander!
Ego: Yes, sir?
SE: What the hell is going on?
Ego: I just got here, sir...apparently adrenaline levels are up, and visual and olofactory acuity has been heightened to maximum levels.
SE: Muscle reaction time is up, heart rate has increased...what is...
[Yellow alarm lights start to flash.]
SE: Fight or flight has been triggered? Ego!
E: Sir, blood is flowing to arms and shoulders. Testosterone and Aggression levels are through the roof! We're getting ready to take SOMETHING down!
SE: Blood flow, visual and olofactory up, adrenaline...we're stalking something. Logic!
[Logic steps out from side room]
Logic: Sir?
SE: I left you in charge here for an hour! What's going on? Who's in charge?
L: The Id is, sir. It is customary in such situations.
E: Sir, we're parking! Legs have DEFINATELY been given a "stalk" command!
SE: ID!?!? What?
L: Id IS the most primal one of us, sir...he's the most qualified to bring down prey.
SE: Prey? What prey?!? Id!
[Id steps out from side room]
Id: Supes! Hey, what's up?
SE: What's going on, Id?
I: Orders, sir. Logic and Emotion gave the command. I'm just doing what I do best.
SE: Emotion? What? [Emotion steps from room]
Emotion: Oh, yes sir...I'm so sorry, but those people on the phones were just NASTY today...They were all demanding "Lion King" tickets, and we didn't have what they wanted, and some were just RUDE, sir...I...I...[sniff]
SE: Oh...well, yes, there, there, but I don't underst...
Em: And so I wanted to go out and SLAUGHTER EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM! CUT
OUR THEIR SPLEENS WITH DULL SPORKS AND DANCE ON THEIR INTESTINES! I WANTED
TO SHAVE THEIR CATS AND FEAST ON THEIR EYES!!!!
[All take a step back.]
Em: [Pants] WHAT!?!?!
All: Nothing.
M: Rien.
Logic: I suggested that this plan might prove unwise, Sir. I put forth the idea that maybe alternatives could be found.
SE: [looks alarmed] Alternatives? What alternatives?
[Voice of Stomach over intercom]
Stomach: Oh, they called me, sir. They thought I might be able to provide a substitute GUARUNTEED to make us feel better.
SE: Stomach, is that you? What are you babbling about? We're geared up to take down an elephant here! What kind of prey could possibly require this much energy?
[Voice of Eyes]
Eyes: Id, we have our target in sight!
I: Excellent! Bring it on-screen!
[All look]
SE: We're in Publix.
Id: Yes, sir.
SE: What's that?
Id: Our target! Be careful, all! It could be dangerous!
SE: That's...
L: The chilled, soldified lactation of the common bovine fortified with assorted sweeteners and flavoring, both natural and artifical, sir.
SE: ...Ice cream?
Em: Oh, yes, Commander! Yay!
SE: We are stalking ICE CREAM?!?!?!?!?!?!
Stom: Yes, sir! The best comfort food there is! Delicious!
SE: We don't use this much physical energy if we're in a fight!
Id: Ummm...Ice cream has many natural defences...
SE: Like WHAT!?!
....
Emotion: It's cold, sir! It always annoys me, holding it!
Logic: It is fattening, Commander.
Id: Those stockboys there are JEALOUSLY defending their prize! Look, they're moving in to protect it!
SE: They're attaching prices!
Ego: Oh, I know! It always hides! We can NEVER find the kind we want, it's camoflouge is UNDEFEATABLE!
[All applaud]
SE: Et tu, Ego? That's it. You're all a disgrace. This is, without a doubt, the most irresponsible management of resources I've ever seen. You all are a disgrace to officers of this body. I'm going to retire, and I want to see a MAJOR improvement in performance and responsibility in ALL of you, do you understand me?
[All look ashamed]
[Commander SuperEgo leaves. Everyone looks crestfallen, starts slowly heading back to stations]
Id: well, that's that. Cancel yellow alert.
[Door opens]
SE: Id?
I: Sir?
SE: Edy's Mint Chocolate Chip. On the double>
I: [Look of joy] Sir, yes, SIR! Red alert, crew! Legs, CHARGE!
*End*
Episode 4 "The Last Gasp of Conciousness" (First posted on March 14, 2003)
[Commander SuperEgo walks onto the Bridge, looking at the destruction before him. Sighing, he walks over to his chair and sets it upright. He sits.]
SuperEgo: Subcommander?
[The Subcommander Ego appears on the main screen. It has a crack along the right side and a chocolate milkshake at the bottom. Ego is dressed in riot gear.]
Ego: Commander, Ego here.
SE: Have you contained ID yet?
E: Almost, sir. He's injured several members of the Inhibition squad, but we almost have him back in his place.
SE: Are you new Cattle Prods working?
E: Yes, Sir. But you know Id...he's very adaptable. He turned several of our own weapons to his own advantage.
SE: That'll happen. What about the Libidio?
E: I've programmed the routine for a cold shower.
SE: Good work.
E: How's Central Command, Commander?
SE: You can guess, SubCommander. Memory?
Memory on overhead speaker: Oui, Commandant?
SE: God DAMN it, Ego, haven't we fixed that yet?
E: Umm...not yet, Commander. But our french is getting better...
SE: Christ. Back to your task, SubCommander.
E: Yes, Sir. Ego out.
SE: All right, Memory, let's hear the Damages. Do you have full files on the events of this evening, complete and in order?
M: Nous faisons, Commandant. Aimeriez-vous que les j'ait traversé?
SE: Please do.
M: Très bien, Commandant. Pour commencer, nous avons consommé trois boissons alcooliques.
SE: Only three? Liver will be pleased.
M: Il est, Monsieur. Nous avons embrassé cinq femmes, quatre hommes, et un nous ne sommes pas sûrs de.
SE: Christ...Five women? Four men? and one we couldn't tell? Well, it was the Castle. Did we kiss any of them against their will?
M: Umm...pas vraiment, le Commandant. Seulement Bastion et Petit Mikey.
SE: Poor Bastards. Well, they probably provoked Id, looking all sexy and desirable. What else?
M: ...en fait, le Monsieur, il y AVAIT un incident de "l'Heure sans les Chemises."
SE: Fuck..."Shirtless o'Clock?" Were there any law enforcement officials involved?
M: Non, Commandant. C'était pendant la chanson "Baby Got Back."
SE: [Sighs] I see. Was anyone injured?
M: Non, Monsieur.
SE: Were we banned from the Castle?
M: Non, Monsieur.
SE: Bien...I mean, great. Well, then, at least there's that. I'm going to start the sleep proto...wait a second. What this playing in the Imagination theater? [Hits button on console]
M: Non, Commandant! La mère de DIEU, non!
[The Screen flashes on. A scene begins to play from the Imagination.]
SE: [Arching eyebrow] Interesting. Id's work?
M: Ummm...Libidio a aidé. Monsieur, je vraiment pense que vous devez le tourner de...
SE: How many are there in this scene, Memory?
M: Les femmes, soixante-dix trois, dix-neuf hommes, et sept qui ne pourrait pas deviner. Commandant...
Ego: [Flashing into "picture in picture"] Sir? Libidio just went beserk! What's going on?
SE: All right, Ego, just turned on a lovely dream orgy he and Id cooked up. I'll just it down now...[looks at the screen while reaching for the off button.] Wait a second...[Looks closely] Is that...
M: Baise-moi! J'essayais de vous dire, le Monsieur...
SE: [Looks closer] Oh, God...is that our GRANDMOTHER!?!?!
M: DIEU NOUS AIDE TOUT!
[Alarms go off]
E: Commander! Libidio just collapsed, screaming in agony! Klaxons just went off in the Stomach!
Stomach: [On overhead] Commander! Alert! Forced rupture in progress! SHE'S GONNA BLOW!
Sensory officer: Sir! We've just lost signal from eyes, and they're bypassing Central Command, sending signals to the hands to claw them out! What's going on!
SE: MEMORY! Subroutine 54-Delta-Omega, on my mark!
M: Le sous-programme prêt, le Commandant!
SE: ENGAGE!
[Screen changes. Lights dim, and slowly, alarms diminish]
E: Commander? Libidio seems to be uncurling. He's quiet, and it looks like he's going into a trance.
SE: Secure him, Ego. He should go peacefully.
E: Sir! [Picture in picture blanks out]
SE: Stomach? Status.
Stomach: Commander...wow. All levels normal. Status green across the board.
SE: Senses?
Sensory Officer: Signal from eyes returned, Sir. Signal to hands has stopped. Thank you, Commander.
SE: Wonderful. Perfect end to the evening. [Looks at the screen] God bless those Chinese acrobats. In the meantime, start that cold shower. I'm damn well going to bed.
*End Transmission*
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