Starship Josh - the Re-Revenge of Opera Time

So, it's been a while.  My muse has been distracted by stress, shiny objects, pie, apathy, and the last season of "Lost."  But I can only suppress it for so long, and certain dark forces have inspired me to start writing again.  So, without further ado, it's time for:

Starship Josh - the Re-Revenge of Opera Time

(Confused?  Go here, or to the "Notes" section of my Facebook page.  You'll figure it out quick.)

[The Bridge is full, and everyone looks whipped.  Commander SuperEgo is slumped in his command chair, staring at the screen with a discontented expression.]

SuperEgo: ...aaaand we're home.  Thank Bob, the Sandwich Maker, another 13-hour day is done.

Emotion: [Sits up from laying face down over her console.] Ooooo...sandwich?  Can we have a sandwich?  I really, really, really want a sandwich.

S.Ego: Take it up with Id.  I'm going to go lay down for a while. [SuperEgo leaves.]

[Id is sitting in a small plastic chair in the corner beneath a sign drawn in crayon that says "Bad Boyz Korner." He jumps up excitedly and races to the recently vacated Command chair.]

Id: All right!  You heard the Commander, it's my show!  No, this "sandwich" idea sounds fascinating.  Let's get to...

[Intellect has gotten up from the floor after removing a copy of "Atlas Shrugged" covering his face.  He interrupts Id.]

Intellect: Wait, I think the Commander may have the right idea.  We've eaten plenty for today, it's only been six hours since we had that salad.  We should head to bed.

Id: Uh...yeah, sure, OK, I'm hip for sleep, let's...

Emotion: [Interrupting] Are you listening to yourself? Six hours? That's like starvation! And only a salad? That's not a meal, that's what a meal eats before someone kills it, grills it, and puts it in a bun with some of its stupid salad meal as a garnish!  Ignore the egghead, and find something dead and eat it.

Id: Um...wow. Ok, one, E, never loved you more than right now, and B, you make a strong case, so...

Intellect: That?  That nonsense?  That's not a strong case for her point, that's a strong case that a loved one should commit us.  Now, see here, we've been driving and working too long and too hard...

[Id snickers.]

Intellect: [Ignores him, continues] ...this past week, and we've only had an average of five hours of sleep per night, what with intestinal illness, rogue eyelashes in our eyes, and assorted stresses and distractions.  We need sleep!

Id: ...heh, heh, heh..."long and hard," hur hur...Ok, Brainy Smurf, I'll...

[Ego has been shaving with a disposable razor through all this.  He suddenly perks up, only half-shaved, and interrupts Id, as well.]

Ego: Oh, wait!  It's Monday!  That means we recorded the new "How I Met Your Mother!"

[Everyone looks at him blankly.]

Id: What?

Emotion:  Ego, that's stupid, and YOU'RE stupid, now let's make a sandwich!

Intellect:  No, Ego's blathering nonsense aside, we're still going to sleep.

Emotion: No, sandwich.

Intellect: Incorrect.  Sleep.

Emotion:  Sandwich!

Intellect:  Sleep!

Emotion:  SANDWICH!

Intellect: SLEEP!

Emotion:  It's sandwich, nerd, don't MESS with me!

Intellect: Oh, please!  We definitely need sleep if that's the best you can do.  It's no coincidence your name starts with "Emo!"

Emotion: I'll f*@%!#& KILL YOU!

[Emotion leaps on Intellect, scratching and biting.  They go down to the ground fighting.]

Id: [Blinks, looks at Ego.]  Um...Ego, buddy, I think I'm gonna have to go with Sid and Nancy, here.  I don't think anything you can bring to the table is gonna compete with anything they have to offer right now.

Ego: [Grins] Memory, can you pull up the picture of Alyson Hannigan from a few years back where she's wearing the boy shorts and lifting her tank top up from her abdomen?

Memory: [On Loudspeaker] Certainly, SubCommander.

Id:  It's still weird to hear her talk in Engli...whoa!

[The viewscreen changes to the picture of Alyson Hannigan.  Id grunts, and suddenly lifts up his pelvis.]

Id: ...you make a strong case, Ego.  Dirty pool, but a strong case.

[Emotion and Intellect stop fighting and look up.]

Intellect: What? Id, don't be daft. Tiny redheads are no excuse to forgo a good night's rest.

Emotion: Yeah, or a sandwich!

Ego: Suck it, guys, I think I've won this round!

Id: Uh...guys, listen, I...

Emotion:  No, YOU listen, Ego!  If I don't get this sandwich, I'm gonna...

Ego:  What?  Cry?  You'll do that anyway!

Intellect:  Now clearly neither of you are thinking rationally, because if so...

Ego & Emotion: SHUT UP!

Intellect: NO, YOU SHUT UP, YOU WHINY, UNREASONING FLUFFS OF WHIMSY!!! WE'RE GOING TO BED, AND THAT'S FINAL!!! [pants heavily]

[There's a brief moment of silence as the other three are shocked into silence.  Then Ego and Emotion both begin shouting at once.]

Ego:  Oh, so ONE brief flash of passion...

Emotion: ...SO stole that from me...

Intellect:  ...we had a PLAN, you anarchists...

Emotion:  ...can't BELIEVE we're even arguing about this...

Ego:  ...comPLETEly forgetting about Cobie Smulders, too...

Intellect:  ...we SHOULD be getting seven and a half hours, minimum...

Emotion:  ...and that's why you're all a bunch of stupid-heads!

Id:  STOP IT!

[They all blink and look at Id.]

Id: I can't TAKE it any more!  You're all MEAN!  [He begins to cry.]  I HATE you!

[Id runs off.  They three all look at each other, then all pounce on the command chair.  They begin screaming and fighting again when Commander SuperEgo walks back in, tying a bathrobe.]

S.Ego:  Hey, anyone know why Id just ran past me crying, ripped off all his clothes, then jumped in the shower? 

[Silence.  Intellect, Emotion, and Ego all look at each other, then slowly begin to set down their makeshift weapons and back away from the chair.  Intellect straightens the chair back, Emotion fixes her hair, and Ego steps up to the Commander and salutes.]

Ego: Uh...sir, I can expla...

[SuperEgo holds up his hand for silence.  Ego shuts up and stands at attention.  SuperEgo walks to the chair and looks at Emotion, and Intellect, who both look away.  He sits down.]

[Pause.  Ego stays facing away from the Commander, still at attention, while the other two shuffle their feet.]

S.Ego: SubCommander?

Ego: [Jumps and turns around.] Sir!

S.Ego: [Stroking his goatee.] I'm thinking we get ourselves a cup of "cookies and cream" ice cream, watch "Castle," and then head to bed.  Sounds good?

Ego: [Blinks] ...BRILLIANT, sir.

Intellect:  Ooo! Stana Katic is both physically symmetrical and intellectually stimulating!  I'll bet I can figure out who did it before the show reveals it!

Emotion:  ...ice cream?  I LOVE ice cream!!! [Dances]

S.Ego:  Great.  Don't know WHY Id couldn't think of this.  Make it so, SubCommander.

Ego: Sir, yes, sir!

Intellect:  I've always said YOURS is the more disciplined viewpoint, sir.

Emotion:  Yeah, Id is weird.

[Fin]

((Author's note: This is why I usually suffer from insomnia during these parts of the year.  Wee.))