The continuing adventures of Starship Josh

Some of you may remember this, back on the Daily Songy. Others of you may not have any clue what this is about...and that's ok. Just know that I'm insane, and the muse has struck me...struck me like a cranked-up pimp strikes a ten-dollar ho coming to him with a five. Anyway.  The following was based on a true story.  No animals and only one circus midget were hurt in the making of this production, and the little bastard had it coming.

Starship Josh: The Apfel Korn Incident

[Setting:  the break room in Josh's brain]

[Emotion, Intuition, and Logic are sitting in the break room chatting.  Commander Super Ego comes in, sits back in chair, puts feet up on divan.]

Emotion:   Commander!  I'm so happy to see you!

Logic:   Commander.

Intuition:   I guess you're off for the night, Sir?

S. Ego:   Good evening, everyone, happy Friday the Thirteenth.  All's well?

Logic:   No disruptions that I have observed, Commander.

Emotion:   Hee hee!  I feel great!

Intuition:  [Shrugs]  I guess everything's ok.

S. Ego:  Splendid.

Logic:   Sir, if I may be so bold, if you're down here, who's in command?

S. Ego:   Don't worry, Logic, all's well.  SubCommander Ego is in charge.  It's Friday night, and we thought it would be nice to arrange a schedule to let each of us have a Friday night every other week.

Logic:    [frowns] Well, Sir, that sounds all well and good, but creating such a schedule would take foresight, planning, and organization of our schedule, and I don't recall being asked to assist with such a task.

S. Ego:   No, it's all right, Logic.  It was late last week, and you were busy with that Sudoku puzzle.

Emotion:   So I helped!

Logic:   What?  You let EMOTION help with a task like this?  Commander, doesn't that seem like a truly bad idea?

S. Ego:   It's not THAT hard, Logic.  A simple on-again, off-again schedule, with each of us switching weeks.  It's easy!

Emotion:  Ooo!  That would have worked, too!

[All blink, look at Emotion]

Logic:  What.

S. Ego:   Ummm...Emotion?  What do you mean?  Isn't that how you did it?

[Sound of toilet flushing.  Ego steps out break room bathroom washing hands.  Stares at S. Ego, and vice versa]

Emotion:  Well, really, both you and Mr. Ego have been so rattled and stressed out this week, Sir, so I thought BOTH of you could use a night off!

S. Ego:   Emotion, who did you leave in charge on the schedule?

Emotion:   Well, Id said...[Everyone else rushes out the door]

[The Bridge.  Everything jolts to the right as S. Ego, Ego, Logic, Intuition, and Emotion rush in.]

S. Ego:   What the Hell?

Id:   Ahd-miral!

S. Ego:   Commander, you mean!

Id:   *Hic*  Whatever.  Hey, what are you doing here?  Aren't you off tonight?

S.Ego:   Never mind that, Id!  What the hell are you doing?

Id:   What?  Nothing!  You know, nothing MUCH...I mean, we were a little thirsty...

Ego:   Commander, sensors are showing elevated temperature, all the inhibition protocols are down, and the inner ear...well, the crew in there seem to be singing old Simon and Garfunkel tunes.

S.Ego:   What!?!?  Are we DRUNK?  Memory!

[Voice of Memory on Speaker]:   Oui, commandant?

S. Ego:   We're drunk.

Ego:   We have a bottle of Apple Schnapps in our left hand.  It appears to be empty.

S.ego:   Id...please explain what's happened here...and be convincing.

Id:   Captain, it's ok.  I just got a little thristy, so I grabbed the bottle of Schnapps from the fridge before hitting the shower.

S.Ego:  We were drinking in the SHOWER?!?!?

Id:  Yeah, but it's totally cool.  Anyway, it was tasty, so  I kept drinking.  I got us clean, dressed, walked around the complex, made some phone calls...

S.Ego:  What?  Walking around?  Phone calls?  While DRUNK?  Who did you call?

Id:   Uh, well...you know, no one, REALLY...

S.Ego:   Memory!

Memory:   Jess, Petit Jen, notre mère...

S.Ego:   Our MOTHER!?!?!  You called our MOTHER while we were drunk?

Id:   Chill, S.E.!  We weren't that drunk, ok?   I looked at the bottle before I started drinking it...it's only 20 proof!  10% alcohol, that's nothing!  It's barely hard liquor!  It's like, what, a couple of beers, tops!

Logic:   Not quite correct.

Id:   Hummina stooffita huh?

Logic:   [Into headset] Eyes, can we focus on the label?  No, left.  The other left.  The real left.  Your left.  WE HAVE THE SAME LEFT, DAMN IT!  Ahem.  Yes, thank you, there.  See, Id?  It's not proof, it's 20% alcohol by volume.  Also, that was a practically fully liter, wasn't it, Memory?

Memory:   Vous êtes corriger, Logique!

Logic:   That's...splendid.  That would translated to roughly 200ml of pure alcohol.  Since roughly three beers makes a liter, and beer is only 5% average alcohol by volume, we've drank roughly the equivalent of 12 beers in the past two hours.

Id:   Uhh...is that a lot?

[Voice on Speaker]:   Hey, every-*Hic*-body, hey, guysh...thish ish the boysh in da Inner Ear, and we jusht wanted to shay...we love you guysh!

Intuition:   It's enough.

[Voice]:   No, like, *hic* really, guysh, you guysh are the BESHT...whoops!

[Crash]

Id:   Well!  Uh...you guys are back, now, so I'm just gonna go hit the hay!  Have a good night, everyone!

[Id runs out]

Ego:   Commander?

S.Ego:   [Sigh]  Screw this...set a course for home.  We're all going to bed.

Ego:   It appears we can't, Sir...a girl just sat in our lap to keep us from leaving.

Id:  [Runs in]  And I'm back!

S.Ego:  [Sigh]