My Muse has bitten me with venomous, barbed, pointy teeth. I must write, or suffer its wrath, which is terrible, brutal, and slow.
Onward.
Starship Josh: The Da Vinci Code, Blasphemy, and Emergency Runs
[The crew is sitting around the bridge. Commander SuperEgo walks in from his quarters.]
SuperEgo: Ok, I'm back. Status Report?
SubCommander Ego: We've purchased a ticket for the 10:00 "DaVinci Code."
Intellect: We are currently in Bennigans and have just ordered an Apple Crumb Sizzler.
Emotion: We LOVE Apple Crumb Sizzler!
Intuition: I think that's the Apple Sizzler now.
Ego: We're waiting with Corey, Toivoh, Rene, Tai, Stephanie, Jerry, and Brit.
Emotion: We LOVE...
S.Ego: Yes, yes, we know. Now, wher...
Id: And we've been accused of being Blasphemers!
[Pause]
S.Ego: Blasphemy?
Id: Well, OK, no, not really, but sort of!
[Pause]
Intellect: Yes...ah...wait...no, yes...Hmm...I think...yes. That makes no sense.
Id: OK, we were buying tickets, and some guy had a truck that said "STOP BLASPHEMY NOW!" and that was LIKE being accused, and you KNOW how must I enjoy taunting the emotionally frail, so...
S.Ego: Yes, thank you. Have we consumed any alcohol?
Voice of Memory on the Intercom: Seulement quelques-uns boivent, Commandant. Un Amaretto pourrit et deux Whiskeys.
S.Ego: ...aaaand that answers that. Anything to chime in, Memory?
Memory: Bien, en fait, oui, monsieur. Nous avons oublié d'acheter un billet pour Britanny.
[Everyone blinks]
S.Ego: Anyone catch that?
Ego: I'm stumped.
Emotion: I'm so confused!
Intellect: It's a simple linguistic code...
Intuition: I guess we should should hold on to something, man.
S.Ego: Wait, what was that, Intuition?
[The bridge lurches forward, everyone tumbling to the ground. Id remains seated in the command chair.]
Id: There! There it is! Grab it! Dig! Dig, hands! Mouth! Prepare for creamy sweet goodness!
Anxiety: Um, actually, that DOES sound a little, um, well, you know... gay...
S.Ego: What the HELL!?!? Visual?
[Voice of Visual on the Intercom]: Sensing Apple Crumb Sizzler, Commander.
S.Ego: Ah...of course. Carry on, ID.
Memory: Commandant! Vous êtes calme oubliant complètement le billet du Britanny! Nous n'avons jamais choisi un en haut!
S.Ego: All right, what the Hell? Does anyone know what Memory's trying to tell us?
Intellect: I believe I caught "Britanny," Sir. Perhaps a reference to our roommate?
Intuition: I think it's important, Commander...
Ego: Hmm...what's a "billet," Intellect?
Intellect: Well, it usually denotes a small, uniform piece of wood, or a segment of a large piece of a greater group, like firewood or a shingle. It can also refer to a place to quarter troops, and the verb version thereof. In its archaic form, it was a short note or letter, which has been expanded, in several Romance languages, to include bank notes, official notices, or tickets...
S.Ego: Tickets?
Ego: Brittany?
[Horrified pause]
All: We forgot to buy Brit's Ticket!
Id: Verbal, this is Id. We're going to need a profane utterance.
[Voice of Verbal Center]: How about "Oh, Fuck!"
Id: Love it! Thanks, let's go with that. [Turns to crew.] It's all taken care of, guys.
S.Ego: [Shoves Id out of chair] Legs! Stand! We need to get the hell out of here!
Emotion: I'm so upset! HOW could we forget this?
Ego: No, Stomach, I don't care if we just ate, you're going to have to hold it in! We're kicking this puppy into overdrive! Commander! We're getting queries as to what's wrong!
S.Ego: We need a convincing lie, fast!
Id: Verbal?
Verbal: "I'm going to the bathroom! Seriously! Back in a flash!"
Id: Genius! Guys, it's all set. No one will suspect a thing.
[Ego and S.Ego look at each other]
Ego: Sir, really, the sad part is that he believes that.
S.Ego: Let's just get Brit's ticket. I'd really hate to have to activate the "ducking and avoiding" protocols tonight.
Memory: Jésus robinet-dansant Christ sur un baton...ce qu'un paquet d'idiots.
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