Starship Josh: Great C'thulu and Bone Marrow
[Setting: Central Command. There are party streamers on the ceiling, confetti on the controls, a dainty, strappy red stiletto heel shoe on the corner of the Commander's chair, and the viewscreen is playing a transmission. Enter Commander SuperEgo.]
S. Ego: Wow...That was...wow. Some night. Wait...what's this?
[Looks at screen. Ego comes in.]
Ego: Good morning, sir.
S. Ego: [Grunt] Maybe, Subcommander. We'll see after we wake up "Bonnie and Clyde" next door and go donate platelets. What's this on the screen, do you know?
Ego: Hmm...not sure, sir. It's pretty degraded. A dream, probably?
S. Ego: Yes, but what does it mean? It's pretty screwed up.
Ego: I'm not sure, sir. Were we drinking last night?
S. Ego: Memory?
[Memory on Speaker]: Oui, commandant?
S. Ego: We were drinking. What was the damage?
Memory: Divers "Amberbachts" et beaucoup de "Meyer's Dark Jamacian Rum."
S. Ego: Fantastic. Do you know anything about this dream, here?
Memory: Non, commandant. Peut-être vous devez demander le subconscient?
[S. Ego and Ego's eyes grow wide. They look at each other, then back at a huge, quadruple-locked, and heavily chained door in the back of the room. Massive, blocky, engraved letters are carved into the door: ONLY THOSE ELEMENTS TIME CANNOT WEAR WERE MADE BEFORE ME, AND BEYOND TIME I STAND. ABANDON ALL HOPE YE WHO ENTER HERE.]
Ego: The Subconscious? Umm...Commander, is that wise?
S. Ego: Well, it IS responsible for dreams. Come on...courage, Subcommander.
Ego: Sir! Yes, Sir!
[They tentatively approach the door, slide open a slit in the forbidding door.]
S. Ego: ...hello?
[Hollow echoing]
Ego: Umm...Subconscious?
[Echoes]
Ego: Well, Sir, we tried, obviously he's no...
VOICE: SLOBBER granfnaf BLURBLEL GRooWLlwWoll maaarxxswek!
Ego: [Leaping into S. Ego's arms] Sweet marshmellow Jesus on a stick!
[S. Ego glares at Ego. Ego gets down, straightens uniform.]
Ego: ummm...Sorry, sir.
S. Ego: Subconscious, we're sorry to bother you, but we were wondering if you could tell up what the screwed-up dream we're looking at here means. I'm afraid we can't understand what you're trying to get across.
VOICE: burb FLNARPH yolowasrgm SAcmLOPVMNAAAAKeFEf [slobber] meeeeekeeelp ROOOAAAAAAAAAAAGGGG!!!
S. Ego: I...see. [Turns to Ego] Did you catch any of that?
Ego: Not really, sir. we'll probably need a translator. Who can communicate with the Subconscious?
S. Ego: Well...Id takes cues from the subconscious all the time, he probably understands the subconscious perfectly. I suppose Intuition, might have some ideas, too.
[Pause]
Ego: I'll go get Intuition.
[Five Minutes later]
Intuition: Hey, guys. Hey, Memory, you listening in?
Memory: Bonjour, Intuition!
Intuition: Whoa! We were drinking last night?
S. Ego: Apparently. Intuition, could you look at the dream playing on the screen?
Intuition: I guess so, Commander. Whoa! That's kinda messed-up. What's it mean?
S. Ego: Well, that's why we called you. We were hoping you could communicate with the subconscious and figure out what he's trying to tell us.
Intuition: Sure, why not? [Walks to tiny slit in huge door] Hey, big guy, what's up?
VOICE: MooaoaarrRRRAAAUWWN!
Intuition: Nice to talk to you, too. So, big guy, about this dream here...
VOICE: PWQAAARnnnK!! mllluuuUUUUuAAAAUYYYYBWASSnnn [slobber] EEEEEEEEE!!!
Intuition: Oh, ok. Go on.
VOICE: ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
Intuition: Cool. But how does that relate to the first part?
VOICE: WAALLLAAAAKKKMuurr
VOICE: FNAP. Muuuyyyyrn! GORR kaaaLALnk.
Intuition: Wow, OK! Thanks, big guy. I'll talk to you later. [Slides slit closed as VOICE grumbles and fades out.]
S. Ego: Well? What does it mean?
Ego: What did he say?
Intuition: Well, approximately...
S. Ego & Ego: Yes?
Intuition: He said, "PANTS!"
[Pause]
S. Ego: Pants.
Intuition: No, you have to inflect up. Imagine an exclamation mark at the end.
Ego: Pants?
Intuition: No, exclamation mark, not a question. Also, sound it out like there are two syllables, like pah-ANTS! Accent's on the second part.
Ego: Oh! Like, "PANTS!"
Intuition: There you go!
S. Ego: [Slaps forehead] I'm...I'm gonna go lie down. Ego, go wake up Dave and Kris and set a course for the Blood Center.
[Several hours later]
S. Ego: Well, that was a good thing we did. SubCommander?
Ego: PANTS!
S. Ego: [Glare]
Ego: Ummm...sorry, sir. Everything's accounted for. Elbows are reporting some discomfort, be we appear to be fine otherwise.
S. Ego: Well, fantastic. Let's corral our light-headed "Wonder Twins" here, and we'll...
[Voice on Speaker]: Holy GOD, Sir! We have an emergency down here!
S. Ego: Whoa! Calm down, son! Ego, any alerts on sensors?
Ego: [Checking] Negative, Sir! All five senses reporting situation as normal! Who IS this?
[Voice on speaker]: Sorry, Sir, this is Bone Marrow Control! We have a code Red down here!
S. Ego: Calm DOWN! Now, quickly but calmly! What's the problem?
B.M.C.: We have a massive, critical shortage of platelets down here, Sir!
S. Ego: ...
B.M.C.: I'm not sure what happened, Sir! We were sitting on a surplus that built up last time we had an unexplained shortage, and now it's all gone again! I don't know HOW this keeps happening, sir!
S. Ego: Bone Marrow Control...
B.M.C.: Sir, I'm getting really worried! It seems like every two or three weeks we just come up short! Sometimes we even lose a whole pint of blood!
S. Ego: Bone Marrow Control, if you'd just listen...
B.M.C.: No time, sir! We're going to get to work making EVEN MORE platelets than last time! Hah! I'd like to see how we could end up with a shortage after THIS!
S. Ego: But... [Speaker clicks off] Subcommander, do you think they even READ the memos I send out?
Ego: Well, sir, they are...
[Id runs in]
Id: Hey, Supes! The B.M.C. was yammering something about needing supplies or some crap, what the hell are you doing up here?
S. Ego: It JUST so happens that...
Id: No good, I'm already bored. Anyway, out of the chair, I'm gonna go get us food.
S. Ego: But I...[Id picks him up, sets him next to chair]
Id: OK! Tell Intellect to start calculating lunch costs! Eyes, full scans! Appetite, I need options, coordinate with eyes! Hands, feet, get this car moving! Libido, Wit, Mouth, I need a compliment for Kristina's breasts STAT! Move, people, Move!
S. Ego: [Shakes head, turns to Ego] Subcommander? What does one say when faced with such utter nonsense?
Ego: ..."PANTS!"
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